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Cael on parents
Posted by Valkyrie Wrestling on
4/13/2009, 9:30 am
QUESTION:
Do you ever find yourself pushing your younger
brother a little harder in hopes that he may even surpass your amazing
achievements? - Josh (Ballston Spa, NY)
CAEL:
"Hi Josh,
Thanks
for the question. I don't push my brother any harder than I do anyone
else on the team. My brother is family--I love him just for that. I
realize that the coach/athlete relationship is just a small part of our
relationship and will just be a short time in our lives.
I'm
going to go off on tangent here. I have several parents ask me how to
make their kids dominating wrestlers and most don't listen. They are
obviously just expecting me to reinforce what they already think and if
I don't, they don't listen. They expect me to say the crazy stuff like
"have them run sprints around the block dragging cinder blacks, or feed
them raw meat, lock them in a closet with a badger, have their five
year old do 100 pushups after they finish their 4 hour workout, take
them to every tournament possible as soon as they can walk, have a belt
ready to whip them if they lose, etc etc.
I tell them that the
biggest mistake parents can make with their children in athletics (or
anything for that matter) is to blur the lines between why they support
and love them. It is very easy for kids to mistake why a parent is
proud of them. Kids needs to know that their parents love them just
because they are their son or daughter.
To help kids reach
their greatest potential, they need to know that their parents support
their effort--not whether they win or lose. A lot of parents give their
kids the impression that they are only proud of them if they win.
Parents are the most important people in the world to their kids.
Wrestling is already a tough sport. If a kid thinks he has to win to
make his parents proud of him--that is a ton of pressure. In my
opinion, that is the greatest pressure in the world, especially for a
kid. A parent not being proud of you is far more frightening then the
scariest opponent. Most kids won't last long in sports in that kind of
environment. And the kids who do tough it out, or have no choice, are
usually the ones who develop mental problems. They are the ones who
usually end being labeled "head cases." The kids whose parents simply
expect their best effort in training and in competition are the ones
who have the better chance of reaching their potential.
My
advice for parents who want to help their kids get the most out of
sports is to simply support your kids, support their best effort, keep
things in perspective for them (wrestling is just a game), reinforce
that giving it 100% is the goal and be proud of whatever comes after
that. Parents with young athletes, make the kid think it is his idea to
wrestle, let him set the schedule and decide how many tournaments he
wants to go to. Sure, you can manipulate (bad word) what they think
they want to do-- but let it be their idea. If your child wants to go
to a tournament, make sure he puts the work in to be prepared for it.
Make sure he has the grades in school that you want him to have to be
eligible for you to take him to tournaments and even to practice. It
takes a game plan like that to help your kid go all the way with
wrestling.
Nothing will teach your child how to be successful
in life better then wrestling. Don't worry about wins and losses with a
young wrestler. If you make it about wins and losses, your kid probably
won't last long enough in the sport to get the most out of it. The
ultimate goal of sports should be to get an education and prepare for
the rest of your life and of course have fun. Think long term. It's
more common than not that the parents who have their kids going 100
miles an hours are going to be doing well early. Do that if your goal
is to have the best 8 year old wrestler you can. If you want to create
a good high school wrestler, or even college, do what I suggested. Of
course, there are exceptions to every rule. There are kids who want to
compete at every youth intergalactic championship out there. My advice
for them would be to take them to a few tournaments but make it a
privilege. Hold them back a little so they really develop a love to
compete. Tough love is also important to develop a good wrestler.
That's a different subject though. My mom was not afraid to get in my
face and let me know if she didn't think I gave it my best.
For
young wrestlers who are reading this--it's important that you realize
that your parents, no matter how much pressure you think they put on
you, just want what is best for you. They want you to win because they
want to see you be successful. They want to see you be happy. Even if
they don't communicate that message the best--it's the deep-rooted
truth. Know that it is the truth. It is. Know that your parents and
family go to tournaments to support you, not to see you win. Knowing
that this is the truth, and it is, should take some unrealistic
pressure and let you attack your goals--for you.
Back to your
question. My brother always gives it his best effort so I am very proud
of him for that. He has set lofty goals for himself and I believe he
can achieve them. One thing about my brothers and I is that we never
competed with each other over achievements. When we were scrimmaging in
practice, or playing football in the backyard, it was war. But when it
came to outside competition we were always very supportive of each
other. I remember feeling worse if my brothers lost than if I did. In
fact, my senior year in college was probably easier for me because I no
longer had a brother to worry about.
So what I'm saying is
that my brother and I aren't concerned with my achievements or anyone
else's--we are focused on him being the best he can be. When you start
worrying about things outside of your control, like anything other then
being the best you can be, then you make it more difficult to reach you
potential.
Thanks!
Cael " |
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